AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- ~~It turned out that DIO, DIO, DIO DIO DIO DIODIODIO~~ hhehehehehhhehhehehehhehehehehhehehehehehhh SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT *nyeh* SOMETHING IS QUI- *plane* hhehhehheheh- GET OUT No hhehehehhehehhh- GET OUT If I get out I will kill you with this funky purple dude who keeps conveniently giving me everything I want soda RC car gun *BANG* Okay not doing that one again that was a little stupid *Consumed by flame* GET OUT Alright that’s it you’re- – Yaaaaaayyyyy~!
– Good job Avdol! What a bother Okay so your funky purple dude is what is known as a stand And they are the physical manifestations of the fighting spirit and all have weirdly specific special and/or situational abilities! So only stand users can see other stands (except for when they don’t) Only stands can harm other stands (except for when they don’t) And all damage done to a stand will reflect the user! (except for when they don’t) You need to pay attention and remember these new rules because NOTHING will make sense from now on otherwise Cool Mohammed Avdol’s Magician’s Red: Shoots fire My stand is Hermit Purple and my ability activates when I punch a camera WA-HAHH! How did you figure that one out Trial and error! Joseph Joestar’s Hermit Purple: Punch a camera see a naked man There he is! It’s DIO! He was about to take over the world but then my grandfather Jonathan Joestar killed him except he didn’t actually because DIO stole Jonathan’s body and I can tell because he’s got the star birthmark everybody in the Joestar lineage definitely always had including me, you my daughter Holly, and you my grandson Jotaro – Wow I somehow never noticed
– Wow I somehow never noticed It is your destiny to defeat DIO! And mine! It is both our destinies Not yours- To defeat DIO, and he will be beaten, and- Oh my god I don’t care I, Kakyoin, have been sent here by DIO to defeat- OHH greeat is this what we’re doing then ORA *boof* Noriaki Kakyoin’s Hierophant Green: I guess he possesses a body that one time but he mostly just shoots rocks Okay so I guess since we’re all doing tarot cards for stand names I will assert myself as one who passes judgement on others, thus I shall name my stand YOU GET THIS ONE SUTAA PURACHINA …Uhhh Star Platinum it is then Jotaro Kujo’s Star Platinum: Punchy boy Look I know we got off on the wrong foot but I was being possessed by this DIO forehead squid would you mind if I became a main character? Whatever Oh no! Holly’s developing a stand but it’s killing her! Mild cough fever headrush dainty swoon faint! Holly Kujo’s Who Cares: …I can’t possibly explain this without sounding sexist Not that this will make any sense in the greater canon but we need to save her by getting rid of her stand and we do that by killing DIO! …Probably. I can feel it it’s in my blood or whatever As the old adage goes, he cannot be beaten up unless I am standing next to him… …Unless… Unless I am close to him… Okay bad read don’t worry I’ll think up something more clever ~~THEY FOUND IT IT’S THE FLY~~ It’s the fly! Let’s go to Egypt! – Yes!
– Yes! *plane* I HAVE USED MY OWN CAMERA PUNCHING ABILITY AND DISCOVERED THEY ARE ON A PLANE GOING IN MY DIRECTION GOOD THING I ALREADY PUT A SABOTEUR ON THAT PLANE WHICH I GUESS MEANS I KNEW IN ADVANCE THEY WERE GOING TO GO ON THAT PLANE MEANING I DIDN’T NEED TO PUNCH THIS EXPENSIVE CAMERA WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY I WILL NOW PROCEED TO NEVER USE THIS ABILITY AGAIN AND HAVE SEX WITH AT LEAST FOUR PEOPLE – It’s the fly!
– It’s the fly! I hope it doesn’t say “Massacre” on the wall AAAAA *stab* Gray Fly’s Tower of Gray: Not actually a fly *Plane crashes* This was a huge waste of time and we almost killed like 70 people This is all your fault I’m never going on a plane again Hey break it up you two- ORA *boof* Check this out- Jean Pierre Polnareff’s Silver Chariot: He has a sword Also he can take off his armor and it makes him, like- faster? Also he can shoot his sword, but only once…?? Look I know we got off on the wrong foot but- Yeah yeah forehead squid got it I anticipate we’ ll either have a team of thirty by the end of this trek or we just so happen to coincidentally stop seeing forehead squids from this point forward I will follow you to Egypt to go find the man with 6 fingers UHH I mean the man with two right hands because he killed my father I mean my younger sister hey check this flashback out I’M GOING TO CONVINCE YOU USING THIS FOREHEAD SQUID TO GO BEAT UP THE JOESTARS IN A YEAR I GUESS BECAUSE THIS FLASHBACK SCENE IS FROM A YEAR AGO WHICH IS A LITTLE CONFUSING ANYWAYS LOOK AT THIS CRYSTAL BALL IT SHOWS A VISION OF THE TWO RIGHT HAND MAN HAHA LOOK AT HOW CHARISMATIC I AM I WILL NOW PROCEED TO NEVER USE THIS ABILITY AGAIN OH LOOK IT’S 10 O’CLOCK FETCH MY TANKTOP I HAVE A DATE ~~The plane didn’t work so now they’re taking a boat OH NO~~ The boat didn’t work! Jotaro’s in the water! Imposter Captain Tennille’s Dark Blue Moon: He’s in the water Wow I can’t believe you pointed at him so hard he exploded! Natural Talent *VERY LOUD BOAT HORN* Forever’s Strength: Yes the orangutan is the user Yes the orangutan has a name Yes the boat is the stand OH MY GOD THE BOAT IS THE STAND No thanks! How annoying! What an exhausting trek please exit my fridge YOU FOUND ME HHGHHCHHGHCKCKK NOW YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY HHGHGHKCKKGHKCK Devo’s Ebony Devil: No no I mean, he gets stabbed right, and he gets angry, and the anger makes him possess the doll? Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the- Wait you mean you don’t need to punch a camera to use your ability? Kakyoin’s gonna kill you! OH- I Kakyoin am going to kill you You’re not Kakyoin I can’t believe you saw through my ruse ORA *boof* Goodness I say- Rubber Soul’s Yellow Temperance: Look, I know ending last episode with a “Kakyoin’s a traitor” cliffhanger was a bit of a fib but it was cool for a second right? …Right? I have been attacked by the man with two right hands, I must go alone to fight for revenge! …Or you could not THIS IS MY BATTLE TO WIIIIIN Imma getcha THE ENEMY! Hol Horse’s Emperor: – GUN
– *bang* Oh jeez whatever will I do! uhhhhhhhhhh ~~Avdol’s dead…?~~ I will have my revenge! My foolproof strategy will involve revealing myself to you and yelling at people HEY Y’ALL HHGHGHKCKKGHKCK J. Geil’s Hanged Man: Technically not a man in the mirror Get my good side *click* *spurt* Oh nooo The next thing you will say is “Chumimin!” …chumimi- *DONK* Nena’s Empress: Arm goop Road trip! Duel 1971 vroom vroom What? ZZ’s Wheel of Fortune: Duel 1971 vroom vroom I’m exhausted again let’s pit stop in the literal worst town ever Hello welcome to worst town ever I am not evil don’t mind the zombies Nice lady, nice lady, right? What a nice lady *angery* I have returned! No you haven’t! Correct! Hello nice lady! aaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH Enyaba’s Justice: See where incorrect breathing GETS YOU Wow I can’t believe you breathed so hard she imploded! Natural talent? Interrogation begin! – *BANG*
– Well I tried! Hello you cannot punch me- ORA *boof* MY KIDNEY Or else you will hurt Joseph Joestar! – Uh oh
– Uh oh FUCK Steely Dan’s Lovers: So Jotaro was just left alone with someone he’s not allowed to punch I can only imagine this will go well Not that this will make any sense in the greater canon but we must enter Joseph’s brain by becoming super small which is something we could definitely always do and fighting the enem- THE ENEMY …E-enemy’s stand I shall provide a live feed and commentary! …Which is something I also definitely could always do We found him no we haven’t yes we have! – He’s out!
– We did it! Uh oh ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA ORA! *Boof* Arabia Fats’ The Sun: Lol – Lol
– Lol *Smack* Man Egypt sure is far away! Hey, something we actually agree on Do you think that means- Yh- Wait, no, we’re not- Maybe we could- No we’re not taking- Maybe we could fly- WE’RE NOT TAKING A PLANE Fly the rest of the way? JIJI – *Plane*
– …Oh – *Crash*
– GODDAMMIT IT’S ALL THE BABY’S FAULT wait no it’s not …WAIT YES IT IS Mannish Boy’s Death 13: Tally-ho but said wrong Hey look it’s Avdol! I’m not Avdol I’m… Gray… Avdol. Wow! HAVE YOU WATCHED ALADDIN That ain’t out yet Uhhhh then this might take a hot minute to explain Cameo’s Judgement: Morph dirt It is I, Mohammed Avdol, and I am alive again! Now when I’m winning I do a little dance that’s my new thing Wow I like this new Avdol! Hey guys, Avdol’s alive! Yeah duh hey look a method of transport we haven’t been attacked in yet! WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YEAH DUH” I can only see this going well AHHHH AHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH Midler’s High Priestess: Morph mineral The sea sucks! Nothing good ever happens in the sea! You cannot destroy the teeth, it is as hard as diamonds, and diamond is unbreakab- Bb …Diamond is unbrehh… blehh We’ve arrived in Egypt! We’re also pretty much out of tarot cards so we must be almost done! …Definitely GOOD WORK THAT’S IT FOR TODAY TEAM, TIME TO MOVE OUT BECAUSE I GUESS THE INCIDENTAL CHARACTER SPEEDWAGON FOUNDATION FOUND OUT WHERE I LIVE SOMEHOW Delivery! Look, it’s our new dog friend main character companion! He has three funny quirks: 1 – He chews hair! 2 – He farts when chewing hair! 3 – He eats coffee gum? What a funny wacky character! Also he’s a stand user WOOF Iggy’s The Fool: Morph sand… Car Here I go I’m gonna getcha Ahh, goodness gracious… uhhhhhhh N’doul’s Geb: Attacked by water? In the DESERT? OH what irony *Plane?* *thbt* I’ve got you now *DOG* WOOF You have been defeated now tell us who- Good grief! I may have destroyed my brain but I will first detail a bit of handy exposition for your consideration, your next set of stand-user villains including me are all based on the 9 Egyptian gods extending this series roughly an extra 20 episodes have fun fighting a bird and a sword despite that flashback scene exclusively showing humanoid characters, bleh Hey so we need to defeat 9 Egyptian gods So you mean we have to defeat 8 Egyptian gods? Yes, we need to defeat 6 Egyptian gods Got it! …Oops- OOPS- Oops- Oops- *Explosion* Oingo’s Khnum – Morph faaaace Boingo’s Thoth – Book that you read and nothing else I will get you now that Polnareff has the sword! That would be threatening if punching the sword wasn’t an option What do you mean punching the sw- *ORA* Anubis’s… Anubis: evil sword nyehh>:) – *bzzt* HBGBGBBGHBHBGHBH
– Hello Polnareff-shaped child – Mariah’s Bastet:
– Alessi’s Set: – *ELECTRICAL OUTLET*
– Shadow ax child Polnareff penis – You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with
– You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with
– You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with
– You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with – it was weirdly sexual!
– it was weirdly sexual!
– it was weirdly sexual! what WA-HAH! New image! It’s DIO’s building! We must approach DIO to approach that building… Wait, no, other way around I know where that building is but you must gamble with me Daniel J. D’Arby’s Osiris: *Subpar Pokemon Battle Jingle imitation* You will play the cat game will the cat go left or right Right! HEY CAT GO LEFT Meow You lost the cat game BuuaAHHH Play the drink game! Roll for precision Twenty! Not good enough Yh- w-what do you mean nOT GOOD ENOWAAAAHHH- Play the card game! Wow I have the best cards I’m so good What! I’m just the absolute best at this game I can’t be beat HHGHHRHGHRHHGG *table flip* *pop* *pop* wow RHINOCEROS BEETLE RHINOCEROS BEETLE- I have returned! NO YOU HAVEN’T …Correct! …RHINOCEROS BEETLE RH- Hello child together we are invincible and will defeat the oops – Oops
– *Explosion* Today in Polnareff teaches about foreign culture! Do not sit down! Tip your kettle over! Never drop your things! You are always paying too much! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A TOILET It is time for my episode! It is I bird cacaw! Pet Shop’s Horus: Under Pressure but bad We have located the Taj Mahal or whatever! Thanks to our old pal Iggy! I HATE THIS EVERYTHING HURTS Also I’m back and wearing a new pair of snazzy sunnies! …You know, for protection We must enter the building! Play my video games *shlorp* – No no no no no no no no
– No no no no no Terence T. D’Arby’s Atum: OH THAT’S A BASEBALL!! First try idiot Well, it’s been two seconds, time to burn the whole building down Wait! What if we instead went inside to locate the enemy oursel- THE ENEMY Woof Blehhh!! Oh neat Kenny G.’s Tenor Sax: …eeehhhh he’s dead now so whatever THEY HAVE APPROACHED MY HIDEY HOLE HERE IN THE TAJ MAHAL OR WHATEVER PROVE YOUR LOYALTY BY CHOPPING OFF YOUR HEAD *swish* HEHHEHHEHHEH COOL ~~Meanwhile, in the Taj Mahal or whatever~~ FI- *voom* Oohhhh nooo!! This couldn’t get any worse!!! – *voom*
– AAHHHHH GAAHHD Vanilla Ice’s Cream: A SNAKE HEAD EATING THE HEAD ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE I found you! TO BEAT ME YOU MUST APPROACH ME Okay!! ZA WARUDO Ghhehehghhgheghhghhheehhehhehehhhehhehheh I’M VERY INTIMIDATING Goodness gracious! Hey guys, so, everybody’s dead and DIO’s confusing Sucks! But sounds about right We should attack him now! We should not! Good idea let’s do both *Bbbbbbbbbbbbb* *Shhhhhhhhhhh* Why were we never doing this before! ALWAYS WISH UPON A STAR! I have an idea on how to learn DIO’s ability! I will create this web and- – *BOOF*
– Good job Kakyoin! *Oof* Hey Jotaro! DIO’s ability is to stop time- ZA WARUDO I WIN, NOW I WILL- OH, GODDAMN MAGIC SUNLIGHT BULLSHIT NYEH HGUEHGH IT’S TIME FOR OUR FINAL BATTLE I have to get closer before I can shit on you- Agh- DAMMIT ZA WARUDO!! HAHAH! YOU’VE BEEN JAPED! IT WAS DIFFERENT TO WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING I BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING DIO’s THE WORLD: Punchy boy …Oh, and- ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA WE APPEAR TO BE SIMILAR IN STRENGTH AND SPEED I HOPE THIS DOESN’T TRANSLATE INTO OTHER SIMILARITIES ZA WARUDO I’M GONNA GETCHA e WHAaAaAaAaT THE FUCK!! WHAT WAS THAT What was what THAT THING YOU DID A loser says what – WHAT
– Aaahahhahhahah ZA WARUDO OHHH IT WAS JUST A MAGNET YOU LITTLE WEENIE YOU – ORA
– GGBRGRGRGB *Smash* I HATE THIS AND I HATE YOU ZA WA- OHHH GREAT IS THIS WHAT WE’RE DOING THEN ZA WARUDO NNNYBHBEHHYBYHEBHYH Uh oh uuueeeeeeeeeeehh Oh no, I’ve been got ugyaaa I’m definitely dead TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF- WAHAH! TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF!! WAIT ARE YOU DEAD …yes OKAY THEN I- – ORA
– UGGHEGGMEMGGBBGEBGBGBG Give me a fucking break uh oh NOW I’M SUPER DUPER POWERED AND FULL OF JOESTAR BLOOD EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY I WAS ALREADY FULL OF JOESTAR BLOOD BBBBRRFBBRFFFF LOOK AT ME GO LOOK AT ME GO AREN’T I JUST THE BEST DON’T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT WHERE I GOT THIS LIPSTICK FROM – ORA
– OH NO HERE COMES THE JOJE SURPRISE I CAN STOP TIME FOR EVEN MORE SECONDS NOW Not that that wording makes any sense- ZA WARUDO!! ロードローラーだ！！
(ROADOROLLAH DAA!!) MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA Surprise BITCH! WRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ~~And then DIO’s head exploded~~ Hey! Wake up! Are you alive again? ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic canonically exists in the JoJo universe! …Okay he’s back I’m still alive too! – Hurrah
– Hurrah – Good talk bye!
– Call me! ~~Meanwhile, in Japan~~
– WOAW ~~Hey remember when this story was about vampires? Me neither- Anyway so DIO’s body melts in the sunlight~~ Okay so we may or may not’ve lost half of our crew and killed countless bystanders but at least DIO’s dead! …Definitely. …Definitely. …Definitely? …Re- Really? Ah uh… Okay, well uhh… Time to go see my wife who I have a healthy monogamous relationship with! …Ah, oh wait やれやれだ-
(Yare yare da-) ~~Walk Like an Egyptiaaaan…~~ Look, they stopped using Roundabout by this point in the show? So I- I thought- I thought maybe like I should